A disciple of the school of the 2 Rs: Rest & Relaxation
- Relaxo honed his skills at doing nothing at a very
young age. He imparts his wisdom to SUPER 7 winners
to help them cope with being filthy rich. “You can’t
merely throw a SUPER 7 winner into a life of idleness”
quotes Relaxo. “You must acclimatize them slowly. No
more than 9 hours of TV a day to start off, then gradually
increase by 3 hours each day. Loafing around takes a
lot of hard work and practice.”
Sure he’s extremely good looking, but don’t let his
handsome exterior fool you. The Splurger is a voracious
shopper skilled at the art of retail. His credit card knows
no limits and he has the super human ability to carry 12
full shopping bags at once and still be able to open the
trunk of a car. It’s a skill most valuable to the SUPER 7
winner, and will be taught if they prove worthy. The
Splurger uses a firm styling gel in his hair so it stays neat
while he runs around and shops.
Making the transition to the world of the ultra-rich often
brings many questions to the SUPER 7 winner. “Which
fork do I use at fancy dinners?” “Ascot or bowtie?”
“Tomato? Tomato?” Quandaries such as these can only be
answered by one man - Professor Posh. Raised in the finest
finishing schools, he unravels the mysteries of high society,
imparting valuable knowledge to the SUPER 7 winner.
“Remember, crudités is just a fancy word for veggies &
dip,” muses Posh. Words from a great man, indeed.
Jesse Streets knew he was destined for a life in automobiles
when he discovered a birthmark in shape of a ‘58 Edsel
on his abdomen. Interestingly, the mark also resembled
the face of beloved president Herbert Hoover, but due to
his Canadian citizenship he chose the car route. Jesse
lives and breathes cars (not the exhaust, of course)
helping SUPER 7 winners with their exotic car buying
decisions. “The choice between Corinthian leather and
Peruvian nubuck can torment the unprepared car buyer,
I’m here to help.”
Though diminutive in stature, she has the power to
open packs of airline peanuts with a single rip - a vital
skill for the ever-traveling SUPER 7 winner. Her special
“tingly” senses can locate lost luggage, several continents
away - a power she learned in a relationship with
a web-slinging boyfriend who shall remain nameless.
“We’re still friends” she insists, “even though he took
my Steely Dan and Mini Pops albums.”
“It’s not easy being this beautiful,” claims 80-year old
Cosmetica. A veteran to the Super Seven force, she
exposes SUPER 7 winners to a world of age-defying and
beauty-enhancing secrets. “Money can’t buy you
happiness,” says Cosmetica, “but it can buy you microdermabrasion
surgery for a blemish-free complexion,
which in turn makes you happy.”
Once a lowly insurance clerk stuck in middle management,
a freak microfiche accident transformed him into the
being you see today. 2-Weeks-Notice-Man’s sole
mission is to help free downtrodden workers from the
shackles of upper management. He is imbued with
special powers. Most notably, a lightning fast 13
words per minute, which he uses ferociously when
typing resignation letters for SUPER 7 winners.
His only weakness is florescent lighting, which makes
him break out in a rash.